Photo by Daria Tumanova on Unsplash

I sit here with five open documents. Four unfinished pieces, each with a direction I can’t seem to find. And this one. What is it that I’m trying to say? What is it that I want to say? If I knew, maybe I’d say it.

What power do words hold…

A poem inspired by a book

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

Eventually you get tired
of playing the victim.
In my situation,
we were both.
Both the predator,
both the prey.
And then there was my first love.
But it was never him,
it was the drugs,
it was his childhood.
It was her childhood.
Couldn’t I love someone
with a normal childhood?
“She’s been working…

The One Where I Allow Myself to Feel

in front of the Friends building exterior. NY, NY. 2008.

i felt heavy today — my heart, my soul. maybe it was the moon, or mercury. maybe it was that dream about my dad. whatever it was, it allowed my mind to slip into rumination. or maybe that was me who allowed it. but there it was. those words that…

A Yosemite Falls hike, and a pain that doesn’t go away

Yosemite National Park, CA. June 2018. (photo by author)

The pain in my chest was something I wish upon no one on this particular day. I forced myself on a hike anyway — or because of — hoping the strenuous climb would dismantle the heartbreak.

Yet I felt it all along.

Throughout my dehydration in the scorching heat, the…

Mom in Laguna Beach, CA. January 2019.

[Happy Mother’s Day]

The shirt said “Miracles do happen”. It just didn’t mean what I wanted it to mean.

My dad loved to tend the lawn. He loved it so much that after we got him home for the last few days of his life, he tried repeatedly to get up, insisting he needed to mow it. (photo by my brother)

It’s been one year since I got that mid-afternoon phone call. The one where I asked, “Mom, what are you saying?” when I knew exactly what she was.

“I don’t know,” she said. Her voice shook and rose in pitch. “I’m scared.”

Fear overwhelmed every cell in my body. My…

My experiences with mental illness, dissociation, and spiritual bypassing

Photo by Kenzie Kraft on Unsplash

In the late 17th century, three young girls — Elizabeth “Betty” Parris, Abigail Williams, and Ann Putnam Jr. — began dabbling in fortune telling and experiencing “fits” — screaming, throwing objects, contorting their bodies, and claiming to feel biting and pinching sensations throughout. As a result, more than two hundred…

What a sunset can remind us about life

Sunset over the clouds. January 3, 2021. USA. (photo by author)

When you fly west in the evening, it feels like the sunset will last forever. The earth spins below you and the sun persists; stretching across the horizon, and across the construct of time. Your clock be damned, this is as close as you’ll get to freezing it.

Recently, I…

Can you be addicted to another person?

Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash

It’s the eve of 2004, sometime before midnight on December 31. At fourteen, I’ve had alcohol before, but this is my first time unabashedly drunk, stealing Coors Light from the laundry room refrigerator at my friend’s house. I’m sitting on her bedroom floor where dirty clothes are strewn about. “I’m…

Emily Cradduck

part human/part writer. author of To Be Her Girl - a novel of love, fate, and free will.

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